


Not Lost, Although I Long to Be

by gwyllgi



Series: Herc/Raleigh Bingo Challenge [10]
Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Future, Anal Sex, Dubious Consent, Gratuitous Swimming, Hand Jobs, M/M, Oral Sex, Sex Pollen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-20
Updated: 2014-07-20
Packaged: 2018-02-09 08:42:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1976460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gwyllgi/pseuds/gwyllgi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Planetary colonization was not without its risks—Raleigh knew that.  He'd thought he was prepared for it, but some things... some things you just can't anticipate.  <i>The </i>Onibaba<i> was huge—much larger than Raleigh had expected.</i></p><p>Written for the Herc/Raleigh Bingo Challenge prompt: Sex Pollen</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bingo Card

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from a poem by Sara Teasdale, _I Am Not Yours_.
> 
> For lack of anywhere better to put it, the first chapter is my bingo card. Click on through to chapter 2 for the fic.


	2. Not Lost, Although I Long To Be

The _Onibaba_ was huge—much larger than Raleigh had expected. The freighter loomed outside the shuttle window as they approached for docking, and Raleigh imagined it swallowing them up, losing them forever within its mammoth innards. He could spot only a sliver of the _Hound_ behind it, even less of the _Karloff_ beyond that, though he knew the frigates were there. The _Leatherback_ was to the shuttle's other side, no doubt being swarmed by its own shuttles as they prepared for departure.

After years of preparation, it was finally happening: Earth was taking its first steps in planetary colonization. Raleigh still couldn't believe it.

"Hard to take in, isn't it?" murmured the man beside Raleigh.

Raleigh somehow managed to tear his gaze away from the view outside—the sea of stars he'd  
stared up at his entire life—to smile at him. "A little. I've been dreaming of this since I was a kid." He shifted to extend his hand. "Raleigh Becket."

The man shook his hand, his grip firm and confident. "Herc Hansen. Ready for the long haul?"

Raleigh laughed. "Ready as I'll ever be. Kind of too late to turn back now, anyway."

Herc nodded. His eyes strayed from Raleigh's to peer out the window as the inertia dampeners kicked in and the shuttle slid into its dock. "So it is." He rose, gave Raleigh a sideways grin as he stepped into the aisle to join those preparing to debark. "I'm sure I'll see you around, Raleigh Becket."

"You bet." Raleigh watched Herc work his way down the aisle until the last moment before his red hair and broad shoulders disappeared through the door, then joined the remaining passengers. "You bet," he said again, softly, holding the words to himself. Perhaps the journey wouldn't be as bad as he'd thought.

* * *

The biggest problem with spaceflight was boredom, Raleigh quickly learned. It took only days to fall into a routine: an hour or two in the mornings spent with his team, getting to know each other and planning for landing; an hour or two in the onboard gym, trying to outrun cabin fever; a quick break for lunch, usually choked down without too much thought; a few hours reading—collections of poetry, mostly, something that he'd found comforting since he was young—or watching vids in the lounge; another hour or two in the gym; another delightful meal, still eaten as quickly as possible so his taste buds didn't have time to protest; and exploring the ship until it was time to attempt to get a good night's sleep in the barracks full of others doing the same, filling the space with the sounds of breathing, snoring, and a not-so-quiet liaison or two.

Yancy would have hated it.

It wasn't long before Raleigh had trekked through as much of the ship for which he had clearance, poked his nose into everything he could and gotten to know the other colonists. It seemed he wasn't the only stir-crazy one, and it was easy to find someone who wanted to chat or to put together an impromptu poker game—playing for bragging rights only. He'd even been propositioned a few times, though he'd politely declined; he'd be spending years, at the very least, with the same limited group of people, and the last thing he needed was awkward encounters after an ill-conceived one night stand.

Ten days into the cruise, Raleigh found himself sitting down to a poker game with Mako. The chief engineer was young, but she knew her stuff; word was that the captain had hand-picked her for the position. As she settled at the table, she took out a well-worn deck of cards and deftly began to shuffle them.

"Tendo should be here soon," she said. Raleigh had met the communications officer before, but didn't know him well. He seemed a decent guy, and Mako always spoke of him in glowing terms. "He said he'd bring a friend, too, so we'd have a foursome."

"Sounds good." Raleigh leaned back, folded his hands over his belly as he watched Mako shuffling. Their silence was companionable, as easy as if they'd known each other for years, instead of a few weeks, and Raleigh sank into it, closed his eyes as they waited, lulled by the soft susurration of the moving cards.

Raleigh didn't know how much later it was that he was roused by the sound of a chair scraping against the floor—it could have been minutes or hours, wiled away in the calm bubble that always seemed to surround Mako.

"Sorry we're late."

Raleigh opened his eyes to find Tendo seating himself next to Mako, his slicked-back hair gleaming in the overhead lights. Raleigh waved with a grin, then turned to greet their fourth, only to find the face before him familiar. "Herc!" he exclaimed and grabbed his hand to shake. "Remember me? From the shuttle?"

Herc's lips quirked up as the faintest hint of wrinkles formed at the corners of his eyes. "Raleigh Becket." He pulled his own chair out and settled into it, long legs stretched under the table. "I hear you've been busy touring the ship."

Raleigh surprised himself by flushing like a boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He ducked his head and hid behind his lashes. "I get bored," he offered, then looked at Mako with a mock-glare when she made a small sound an awful lot like a hastily-stifled giggle. "Like you're any better. At least you have things to do; I'm stuck until we're on the ground."

Herc's smile broadened just a hair, but it was enough to warm Raleigh to his bones and set off alarms in his head. "You never did tell me what you do, Raleigh."

"Ah." Raleigh rubbed the back of his neck, and was relieved when Mako dealt the cards to give him something else on which to focus. "I'm in charge of the scouts. I'll probably be out in the field most of the time, really, so I should probably get as much human contact as I can now, yeah?"

"Yeah," Herc agreed, before he turned his attention to his cards as well. Raleigh couldn't help but notice Herc's fingers as he moved the cards around in his hand, wondered how they'd feel against— _no_ , he told himself, _we are not going there_.

They played with easy trash-talking, traded insults like old friends, and the chips piled up in front of Raleigh and Herc. Tendo was the first to concede defeat; he folded his final hand with a groan as Raleigh took the pot. Mako followed shortly thereafter; she sighed when Herc's full house beat out her two pair, then laughed as she rose.

"I can see there's no winning against you two. I'm going to call it a night." She tucked her hair behind her ear, grinned at Raleigh. "You can give me the cards back tomorrow, once you've settled it between you two."

"I'm off, too." Tendo stood, pushed his chair in and crooked his arm for Mako. "M'lady."

Mako slipped her arm through Tendo's and they laughed quietly together as they left the lounge.

"They're cute," Raleigh said as he shuffled cards on auto-pilot.

Herc shook his head. "Don't read too much into it; he's known her dad for years." He leaned back and contemplated Raleigh for a long moment, then sighed. "Truth be told, Raleigh, I think I'm done, too." Raleigh's disappointment must have shown on his face, because Herc chuckled. "With cards, at least. Want to find somewhere quieter?"

Raleigh knew his grin was too enthusiastic, but he was helpless to rein it in. "Sure. I know just the place."

It wasn't long before they were ensconced on the catwalks crisscrossing over the shuttle bays—empty now, with the bustle of departure well in the past and arrival still far in the future. They sat shoulder to shoulder with their legs dangling over the edge as they looked out over the silent bay.

Raleigh was the first to crack.

"You never told me what _you_ do, you know. What kind of fancy title do you have?"

Herc's mouth quirked upward. "I work in security. How did you think I knew about all of your excursions?"

"I guess I didn't think about it." Raleigh swung a foot absently. "I never was the thinker—my brother usually took care of that." He grinned. "Drove him nuts. 'You've got the brains, use them!' he'd say. I've always just preferred action, I guess."

"Your brother is on Earth?"

"Yeah. Yancy and his wife just had a baby. How do you leave that behind?" He paused, then admitted, "I was so mad at him. He was supposed to come along, but then she got pregnant… We fought every time we talked, so we didn't talk for weeks." He grimaced. "I finally realized he wasn't going to change his mind, and I could lose him to distance, or I could lose him to my own stubborn stupidity. At least you can message across distance, yeah? And I got to see the baby a few times before we left, so I suppose that's something."

Herc nodded and they fell into another companionable silence, until Herc exhaled heavily. "I have a kid," he said. "Back on Earth. He wanted to come along, insisted he was old enough. Killed me to leave him, but… well, he's better off on Earth."

"He's staying with his mom?"

"No." Herc frowned, stared at nothing across the bay. "Angela died a few years back. Shuttle crash. He's staying with my brother. He'll be out of school and making his own decisions soon, but I'm going to protect him as long as I can."

"Sorry." Raleigh reached out before he could catch the urge, patted Herc's knee. "I didn't mean to bring up bad memories."

Herc's brows lifted. "Bad…? No." He shook his head. "I've lived my life without regrets, as much as anyone can. I'll always have the good memories, too."

"Yeah, I guess you will." Raleigh bumped his shoulder against Herc's. "We don't have anything to toast with, but… here's to memories, and making new ones."

Herc's answering smile was soft, and the corners of his eyes crinkled again as he returned the shoulder bump. "To memories."

* * *

After that first poker night, it seemed that Raleigh saw Herc everywhere. They'd trade nods of greeting if Herc was on duty, or hit the gym together when they were both free. Meals became almost tolerable when they had the same mess rotation, good company a distraction from the increasingly-tiresome rations. They didn't always talk, and when they did it wasn't necessarily about anything important—Herc spent an entire meal explaining cricket to Raleigh, who still wasn't entirely certain by the end that Herc hadn't made up half of it.

By unspoken agreement, they occasionally found themselves settled on the catwalks. There, Herc told Ralegh about his wife, how they'd met and married. Raleigh learned about Chuck, how a sweet boy had turned into a moody, withdrawn kid after his mother's death, how Herc would love him until the day he died and how he wished he'd told him that before they'd left.

Raleigh told Herc about his childhood, how he'd been raised by Yancy after their mother had died and deadbeat father had taken off. He talked of missing his brother like a lost limb, even as he knew he was where he belonged; fatherhood suited Yancy. He described it was like to grow up in Anchorage, the trips the family had taken before it had fallen apart: the time they'd gotten lost while playing superheroes in Budapest; the days they'd spent roaming the French countryside around their grandparents' home; the time they'd sneaked into a biergarten in Munich and returned completely smashed to the house the family had let for their trip, much to their parents' displeasure.

They talked about how they'd ended up on the _Onibaba_ , heading off into the unknown. Herc had been military, resigning his commission when Captain Pentecost had requested he join the colonization effort. Raleigh had been a dreamer who had gotten lucky—he'd worked construction to make a living even as he'd looked to the stars. It had been Yancy who had brought him to the captain's attention; tagged for a logistics position, Yancy had put Raleigh's name forward for one of the scouting positions. Raleigh had been sure he'd failed the first interview after he'd overenthusiastically babbled his way through every question, but in the end the captain himself had offered him a position. When the chief scout had bowed out of the program, Raleigh had been promoted into the position; the captain had cited his natural leadership abilities.

Herc had laughed when Raleigh had formed air quotes around _natural leadership_ , and had reached up to tousle Raleigh's hair.

Raleigh imagined he could still feel Herc's hand on his head, fingers firm against his scalp, when he was tucked into his bunk that night.

They were only two days from arrival when Raleigh finally admitted it to himself: he had developed a crush, and it was quickly getting out of hand.

Even Mako commented on it, teased Raleigh about how much time he and Herc spent together, that Raleigh's every other sentence began with _Herc says_. Raleigh accepted her teasing with grace; how could he react otherwise to someone who had become like a sister to him?

He wondered what Yancy would have said about it. Probably would've warned him to not get too attached too quickly, then shoved a pack of condoms in his hand.

The problem was, Raleigh thought, that it was already too late.

* * *

Arrival day was anticlimactic for most; the majority of the colonists would remain aboard the _Onibaba_ and _Leatherback_ until the landing site was secured. Raleigh was among the first planetside, accompanied by his scouts and a number of military troops from the _Hound_ and the _Karloff_. The first landing party, sent ahead months ago to confirm the readings provided by unmanned probes, had reported a lush garden world, almost identical to Earth's conditions—the perfect colonization option. They'd noted sites for establishment of the colony, but it was the duty of Raleigh and his team to confirm those findings.

They explored the immediate area of the most ideal site for days on foot, found serene lakes and soaring forests, rolling hills and broad expanses of grass that seemed to stretch on forever. Occasionally they'd spot indigenous wildlife, never anything larger than an opossum and apparently non-aggressive—one of the scouts even reported waking up one morning to find that one of the creatures had curled up at his side, catlike, as he'd slept.

They camped under the stars those first days; the soldiers took shifts to stand watch as the scouts talked amongst themselves, compared notes and marveled at the alien landscape surrounding them. Raleigh had studied the night sky more than once, found new arrangements in the stars. He wondered what they'd name those constellations, if they'd echo Earth mythology or make up their own, crafting new stories around the unfamiliar points of light.

In time, Captain Pentecost had deemed their reported readings sufficient and initiated the final phase of landing. Engineering teams arrived with the prefabs in which they'd be living for the foreseeable future, and soon a small village had sprouted in a particularly-appealing field, not far from one of the larger lakes. Colonists trickled in: security and science teams, medical personnel, teams to establish utilities and logistics, everyone from janitors to cooks to a documentary crew. Finally, the few families that had accompanied staff arrived and brought with them the sound of laughter as the children played tag and hide-n-seek amongst the prefabs.

The colonists swarmed over the settlement like ants, and Raleigh delighted in the choreographed chaos. It seemed every time he turned around, there was a new structure, another step forward. He accompanied science teams into the field to collect samples for study, helped establish water lines, retrieved a child who had wandered a little too far. (He'd tried to put the fear of God into her before sending her back to her parents, but he suspected he'd failed; he'd have been doing the same thing at her age.) He swam in the lake early one morning, stripped down to skin and floated in the comfortably cool water until duty had dragged him from it. At muster, Captain Pentecost had eyed his wet hair but not said a word.

They began to carve out a life, there in the wilds of that foreign world.

They were far from self-sufficient. The freighters regularly shuttled back and forth from Earth with the supplies they couldn't yet provide for themselves, and the frigates rotated postings; they'd not encountered anything hostile, but the military presence was comforting. Still, Raleigh began to see it as _home_ , somewhere to belong—another great adventure, a story to someday tell his grandkids.

Despite the busyness of his duties, homesickness occasionally hit—the prefabs were comfortable but only just, with the sterility of a chain hotel room, and though he had his own small room partitioned off from the main scouts' barracks, it was at best a thin veil of privacy. He messaged Yancy as often as he could, told him about his days, imagined the way Yancy would roll his eyes when he confessed to his increasingly-regular swims. The friends he'd made on the cruise were scarce, neck-deep in their own duties, and Raleigh found himself missing their poker games, movie nights with Mako, quiet talks with Herc in the dimmed shuttle bay. He'd catch the occasional glimpses of them as they scurried back and forth, but it was nearly three weeks before he managed a conversation with Mako that was longer than _hello_.

They found themselves free for a meal at the same time and Raleigh, suddenly exhausted by the press of people in the mess, suggested they take their trays elsewhere. Mako raised an eyebrow but made no protest, and they slipped away, out of the settlement, to settle on the grass on the crest of a hill not far away and eat. The lights of the settlement spread below them, bright in the settling dusk, and, as they set aside their empty trays, Raleigh exhaled as he hadn't been able to in longer than he cared to think.

"You OK?"

Raleigh glanced over at Mako's quiet question, smileded faintly as he nodded. "It's still sinking in, I think. We're here, leaving our footprints in dirt that no other human has walked on. They'll write books about what we're doing here, make movies. A thousand years from now, this will be remembered as humanity's first steps into the stars. It's a lot of pressure."

"It is, but you're up to it." Mako answered his smile with her own, leaned over to rest her head against Raleigh's shoulder. "You wouldn't be here if you weren't."

"I suppose." Raleigh rested his head against Mako's, watched the stretching shadows of people moving about the settlement. "We should do this more often."

Mako hummed in agreement and linked her hand with Raleigh's in the grass between them.

They stayed on the hill until the sun had set, though the planetary rings and rising moons provided enough illumination for them to easily pick their way back down the hill and into the settlement. They returned their trays to the mess and parted ways in front of the scouts' barracks. Mako, to Raleigh's surprise, hugged him tightly when he turned to go.

"Take care of yourself," she said, her expression stern when she withdrew enough for Raleigh to make it out.

"You, too." Raleigh caught and squeezed her hands, then turned to climb the short ramp to the barracks. When he turned to wave from just outside the door, Mako still watched him, her face lit with a fond smile. "Good night, Mako."

"Good night, Raleigh," she echoed, her own hand moving in a tiny wave before she turned to find her own barracks.

Raleigh watched her go until she'd turned a corner then stepped through the door as it _swoosh_ ed open. They'd have to do that again, carve time out for themselves.

He wondered if she liked to swim.

* * *

Mako, it turned out, was practically a fish. She'd hesitated when Raleigh had first suggested a swim, but he'd been able to see the conflict on her face and had shamelessly prodded her until she acquiesced. Raleigh showed her his favorite spot—far enough up the shore for privacy, tucked behind a curve in the bank, yet near enough to call for help if need be—and she'd wasted no time in shedding her clothes and diving in. He'd laughed before joining her, and soon enough they were dunking and splashing each other until they were both thoroughly waterlogged.

Afterwards, once they'd emerged to towel off and dress, Mako's eyes were shining. "I haven't had that much fun in ages," she confessed. "Do you do this every day?"

"Not quite, but I try." Raleigh draped his towel over her head to rub most of the water out of her hair. "Some days I have to get here earlier than others—it just depends on whatever the duty roster says." He slid the towel back to peer into Mako's eyes and grinned broadly. "Why, you want to come again?"

"Yes." Her answer was firm and almost overlapped the end of Raleigh's question. "Do you ever bring anyone else?"

Raleigh shook his head. "Nah, just you. Wouldn't be as much fun with anyone else."

"Not even Herc?"

Raleigh frowned before he could catch himself, and his eyes darted away from Mako's to catch on the ripples as the lake lapped at the shore. "Haven't seen him to ask." It was true enough—he'd barely caught more than a glimpse of Herc since they'd landed, certainly never managed a greeting, much less a conversation. He'd thought about seeking him out more than once, but had never followed through—he'd never been a coward, but something about Herc left him unsure, even shy. The Yancy that lived in his head laughed at the fact that he'd yet to work up the nerve to approach the man he'd come to know so well during their journey.

Mako regarded him in silence for a long moment, then rested her hand on his arm. "Maybe you need to find him. I think he'd like that."

Raleigh sighed, then grinned wryly. "Fine. I'll ask him when I get back from my posting. Deal?"

"Deal." Mako extended her hand, shook Raleigh's hand briskly when he clasped it. "You'll be careful, right?"

"I'm always careful." Raleigh could feel that the grin that touched his lips was perhaps a bit on the devilish side, but Mako only rolled her eyes and ignored the blatant untruth. "I promise," he added, "really."

* * *

The scouting party gathered before sunrise the next morning—most clutched mugs of coffee like their lives depended on it. This was to be their first long-distance mission; their target was another of the suggested settlement points, tagged as a potential site for mining, almost a full day's travel by shuttle. They inspected their gear, confirmed they had sufficient supplies and checked over their rifles—each scout was trained to defend him- or herself, if need be, something on which Raleigh had insisted, backed by Captain Pentecost. As the sun broke over the horizon, they stowed their gear and boarded the shuttle, soon underway.

They stopped frequently, took readings at points along their trajectory, stretched their legs and explored the gradually-shifting terrain. As they approached their destination, the ground became increasingly rocky—mountains sprouted in the distance and loomed as the shuttle closed on them.

They set down in a valley and established their base camp. Crags surrounded them, peaks topped with white or disappearing into clouds, a far cry from the verdant landscape they'd occupied. Raleigh eyed the mountains appraisingly, but they would wait: evening was coming in, the scouts were stiff from the extended inactivity of the long ride, and the small attached contingent of soldiers was looking jumpy and fingering their guns at the sounds of unfamiliar wildlife.

They spent an uneasy night, slept lightly and woke at every small sound. Despite their trepidation, though, morning arrived without incident, and Raleigh wasted no time in assigning the teams. When the others had departed, he eyed his small team and waved them on, led them into the rocky surrounds.

They took readings for hours, collected samples to send back to the science teams and caught only fleeting glimpses of the local wildlife, far shier than the animals they'd left behind at the settlement. Raleigh discovered and followed a set of tracks—dog-like, but three-toed, and tiny— and there he discovered a cliff and, below it, flowers.

They were huge, with stamens as long as his hand, grown so thick that he couldn't even see the greenery from which they sprouted. They grew in a meters-long swath, a sea of white and yellow, and nodded slowly in the faint breeze.

They were gorgeous.

Raleigh approached the edge of the cliff to get a better look; his foot slipped on loose shale and he lost his balance, too close to the edge of the cliff. His arms pinwheeled for what seemed like forever as he tried to throw himself back, but gravity conspired against him and sent him sliding down the cliff face to land face-first into the flowers.

With a groan, he rubbed his hip that had taken the brunt of the fall, then pushed himself to his feet. The flowers stood around him, as high as his shoulders. This close, he could smell them, sweet and heavy, and he sneezed once, then again, then a third time, and shook himself when the fit had finished.

"Chief Becket!" Over the top of the cliff—and it didn't seem so high from the bottom, perhaps ten meters—appeared the concerned face of one of his team. "You OK?"

"Fine." Raleigh sneezed again, then propped a finger under his nose to stave off another fit. "Want to throw me a rope?"

Before long Raleigh was back where he'd started, and he looked down once more at the flowers as he brushed pollen from his uniform. He sneezed again, then glanced at the scout—one of the Wei Tang brothers (he thought it might be Jin—one day he'd learn to tell them apart)—and grinned wryly. "Let's mark that under _what not to do_ , yeah? We can head back; I think we're good here for today."

By the time they'd arrived at their base camp, his hip was protesting with every step.. His hands and face hurt where they'd been skinned, and he could still feel the tickle of threatening sneezes each time he inhaled. He reassured his worried team, saw to his injuries as best he could, and rolled himself into his blankets and dropped off to sleep.

* * *

* * *

The first hint of trouble arrived when Herc was just sitting down to a meal with Stacker. The captain was one of the few with a private kitchen, and Herc wasn't above abusing their friendship to escape the noise of the mess. The food wasn't much of an improvement, but the company was, and it was good to see Stacker unwind.

There was a chime at the door, which was in itself unusual; communication with Stacker was usually done via electronic message, and Mako would let herself in. Setting his napkin aside, Stacker moved to answer it, listened to the visitor's words, which were too low for Herc to catch. When the visitor finished, Stacker nodded and shut the door.

Herc let his host settle at the table again before he raised an eyebrow. "Problem?"

"Possibly." Stacker took a deliberate bite, no doubt to allow time for Herc to go crazy with curiosity; he could be a bastard like that sometimes.

"Anything I need to take care of?"

"Eventually."

Herc watched him take another bite, then sighed. "Come on, Stacker."

"The scouting party is returning earlier than expected." Another bite. "It seems Chief Becket was injured."

"Raleigh?" Herc felt what little he'd eaten of his supper turn to lead in his stomach. He tried to imagine Raleigh—Raleigh, with the smiles that lit his whole face—injured. "Badly?"

"His condition is unknown." He set his fork down, blotted his mouth before he pinned Herc with a laser stare. "I wasn't aware you knew him."

"We spent time together on the _Onibaba_ ; he's a good kid." Herc forced himself to pick up his own fork again, though he did little more than poke at the unidentifiable protein—Stacker had said something about meatloaf, but he wasn't so sure—that remained on his plate.

Stacker's stare was unnerving. "He is, or I wouldn't have recruited him." His expression softened abruptly into the friendly lines that were seen only by a privileged few. "We can't do anything now, Herc; they're still hours out. You can meet them with medical when they arrive, and we'll find out what happened. Worrying won't do any good—eat your dinner."

* * *

The shuttle had already touched down when Herc reached the landing pad. The door yawned open and the ramp extended as the medical team approached. Through the door came raised voices, one angry and vicious, the others placating and edged with fear.

"Get your hands off of me! I'll break your fucking face, asshole."

That sounded like… but, no. There was no way Raleigh would say that; neither the words nor the tone suited the good-natured man he'd come to know. He had to be mistaken.

"Chief Becket, please—you have to go with the doctors. They can help you. Please, calm down!"

"I am fucking calm," Raleigh—how was that even possible?—snarled, before the sounds of a struggle began. "Get your goddamned hands off of me!"

Herc had heard enough—he closed the short distance to the shuttle and mounted the ramp. His first glimpse of Raleigh gave him a shock: Raleigh's hands were bound behind his back and the muscles of his arms strained as he fought the restraint. There were scrapes on his cheek and forehead, a bruise on his chin. His teeth were bared in a snarl below wild eyes, to all appearances a cornered animal preparing to fight its way to freedom.

"Raleigh!"

Raleigh's head snapped around at Herc's address so quickly that Herc was surprised his neck didn't crack. He stared at Herc without recognition, his wide eyes unnervingly empty for a moment; he blinked, and awareness flooded in. "Herc?" he said, soft and uncertain. The snarl was gone now, replaced by a slackness that was no less disturbing.

"Yeah, Raleigh, it's Herc." Herc glanced at the others in the shuttle, took in their shocked expressions, and wondered just how long Raleigh had been like this. "Why don't you come with me, Raleigh? We'll get you to medical so the doctors can check you out."

"You're coming?" Raleigh smiled, but it was nothing like the smiles he had offered in the past. It began at one corner of his mouth and spread slowly, a shy quirk becoming a beacon of joy bracketed by dimples. He tilted his head slightly, ducked his chin to regard Herc through his lashes. "I'll go anywhere you want."

Something was wrong. Something was very obviously wrong, and Herc was a terrible person for wanting to lose himself in that smile for even a moment. "Just to medical, Raleigh," he said as he closed the distance between them to rest his hand on Raleigh's arm. Was it his imagination or did—no, Raleigh was definitely leaning into him, still watching him with that smile. "Is that OK?"

"I'll go anywhere you want," Raleigh repeated. He didn't resist when Herc guided him from the shuttle. Outside, he blinked owlishly in the bright sun, then shot a sideways look at Herc. The beginnings of another smile curved his mouth. "You sure you want to go to medical? Maybe somewhere a little more… private. It's been so long since we've… talked."

Herc prodded Raleigh forward without answering, steered Raleigh toward the medical buildings. It was more difficult than he'd hoped, not because Raleigh was resisting, but because he kept trying to move closer, pressed as much of himself to Herc as he could.

Herc couldn't deny that he'd imagined what Raleigh would feel like against him, but this was so far from how he'd wanted to find out that it wasn't even in the same star system. Raleigh was stubborn, though, and each time Herc pushed him away, Raleigh would lean back in with renewed determination, until Herc gave in and let Raleigh walk the rest of the way to medical plastered against him from shoulder to hip.

"Here we are," Herc said when they stepped into the bright confines of the medical ward. Raleigh hummed without tearing his eyes away from Herc, and Herc sighed. "The doctors need to look you over. Will you behave if I remove the restraint?" When Raleigh nodded, Herc snipped the zip tie binding Raleigh's wrists.

He didn't know what he'd expected, but it wasn't for Raleigh to throw his arms around Herc's neck, slide their bodies together and murmur into Herc's ear, "How about we get out of here and go have some fun?"

"Raleigh," Herc said. He hoped to whatever god was out there that no one but him heard the tremor in his voice. "Raleigh, let go. You need to be checked out." Raleigh only hummed again and brushed his lips over Herc's ear; Herc braced himself and pushed Raleigh back. It wasn't easy—they were of a height, and Herc didn't have even a stone on Raleigh—but he managed to put some distance between them, enough to break Raleigh's hold. "Raleigh, that's enough."

The expression that crossed Raleigh's face was heartbreaking, like someone had just told him they'd run over his puppy. "Herc," he said, plaintive, "can't we leave? I want to leave."

"You can leave once the doctors have examined you, OK? But you have to be good for them." Shit, it was like talking to Chuck, back when he'd been as high as Herc's waist. It was disconcerting, paired with the remembered heat of Raleigh's body rubbing against his.

"OK." Raleigh let himself be coaxed onto an exam table, though his eyes never left Herc. "Then I can go with you, right?"

"Right." Stacker was going to need to hear about this, and Herc wanted to hear the report from the scouts who'd gone out with Raleigh. "You need to wait here, and be good until I get back."

Panic flared in Raleigh's eyes. "You're leaving? I don't want you to leave."

"I won't be long," Herc promised, then made his escape. He took just long enough to radio another member of security to watch over Raleigh until he returned—if Aleksis couldn't handle it, no one could—and hustled to the prefab unit serving as Stacker's office.

Duc, Raleigh's second in command, was already halfway through his report when Herc arrived. He paused briefly when Herc slid into the room, continued when Stacker nodded at him to do so. The news, Herc learned as he listened, wasn't good.

They'd returned to basecamp, and Raleigh had turned in early. He'd slept restlessly, and the others hadn't been able to rouse him. Twelve hours later, he'd finally awakened, but he'd been quiet, hadn't responded when spoken to but had watched everyone like a hawk. They'd given him space and gone about their duties until one of the soldiers had finally approached him to ask if he was OK, at which point Raleigh had snapped and attacked the man. It had taken three other soldiers to pull Raleigh off the man and he'd still managed to get an arm loose to blacken the eye of one of them before they'd bound hi'dm. He'd fought as they'd loaded him into the shuttle, and had ranted endlessly as they sped back to the colony.

"And the flowers?" Stacker asked, once the scout had finished his recounting. "Were you able to bring back a sample?"

"No, sir." Shame rolled off Duc in waves. "Chief Becket requested we return to camp before samples were collected, and when we went back the next morning… they were gone, sir. Not so much as a petal left."

"Hm." Stacker stared at the man, then nodded. "Dismissed."

With a frown, Herc crossed to Stacker once Duc had departed. "You think flowers caused it?"

"Better than believing Chief Becket had a psychotic break, isn't it?" Stacker turned to his desk, looked thoughtfully down at the papers littering it. "What did you think of him?"

"He wasn't himself." Herc folded his arms and shifted his weight uneasily. "I've never heard him like that. Hell, I can't imagine him upset, much less… Stacker, he was practically feral."

Stacker turned to study him. A thoughtful frown furrowed his brows. "There's something you're not telling me."

Herc sighed. "He was… different with me." He lapsed into silence, tried to collect his thoughts. "It was like he wanted to crawl into my skin," he said at last. "He was always tactile, but this wasn't the same. If it had been anyone—anywhere—else, I'd have said he was trying to seduce me."

Stacker's eyebrows climbed toward his hairline. "I see. Perhaps you should stay with him."

"Stacker, I don't think—"

"You're the only one that didn't provoke aggression, aren't you?" Stacker defused Herc's protest with logic, damn him. "Think of it as protecting him from himself until we can figure out how to help him."

"Stacker," Herc began again, interrupted this time when the radio at his hip crackled.

"Chief Hansen, you should return to medical. Immediately."

Herc sighed again when Stacker made a shooing motion at him, and radioed his acknowledgment as he strode through the door.

* * *

Medical was eerily quiet when Herc arrived—and utterly deserted. "Hello?" he called, then again when he didn't receive a reply. It was a moment more before Aleksis appeared through a door down the hall in the inpatient ward. The faint trace of relief on the normally stoic face was jarring.

"Good you came. The doctors had to sedate him. You should talk to them."

Herc nodded and motioned Aleksis' dismissal as he started toward the door from which Aleksis had emerged. The scene inside was something out of a bad movie: two of the colony's doctors stood around a bed containing an unconscious Raleigh, covered only by a thin blanket, with thick strapping binding his wrists and ankles to the frame. "What happened here?"

"He became aggressive," explained one of the doctors—Lightcap. "Officer Kaidanovsky subdued him so that we could administer a sedative. We felt this," she gestured to the restraints, "was necessary, in case the aggression continued when the sedative wore off."

"Which may be a while," the other doctor—Schoenfeld said. "We had to give him enough to take down an elephant."

Herc frowned and studied Raleigh's slack face. "There's nothing you can do for him?"

The doctors looked at each other before Lightcap spoke. "There's nothing physically wrong with him—at least, nothing that we can detect." As though she could see that her answer didn't satisfy him, she continued, "His blood pressure and heart rate are elevated, but he's otherwise perfectly healthy."

"And drugged to the gills." Herc couldn't hold back a sigh. "If there's nothing else you can do, you might as well go. I'll keep an eye on him."

Theie relief was tangible. "We'll leave you to it," Lightcap said, even as Schoenfeld hurried from the room as though afraid Herc would change his mind. "Just press the call button if you need anything." She headed for the door as well, glanced back at the last moment. "And… good luck."

"Shit." Herc pinched the bridge of his nose as he struggled simply to take it all in. Raleigh was motionless—more still than Herc had ever seen him; only the steady rise and fall of his chest demonstrated that he yet lived. Lacking his usual animation, he seemed smaller somehow, though logically Herc knew that he was still the same solid presence he'd always been. "Shit," he said again, then piled his gear on a table and pulled a chair over to the bed to collapse into it. "You need to pull through this, kid."

He must've fallen asleep, because the next time he opened his eyes it was to find Raleigh staring intently at him. When their eyes met, Raleigh smiled, the same slow crawl as before, and Herc felt his stomach sink; things were still so very wrong.

"Hello, Herc."

"Hello, Raleigh." Herc straightened, winced when his back popped. "How are you feeling?"

Raleigh's lashes lowered as his smile widened just a sliver, enough to make the hair on the back of Herc's neck stand on end. "I feel fine. I don't like these, though." He tugged against one of the wrist restraints to demonstrate. "Maybe you could undo them?"

"I don't think that's a good idea, Raleigh." Herc rested his hand against Raleigh's shoulder, unsurprised when Raleigh pressed upward into the contact. "You promised me you'd behave."

Raleigh blinked. Confusion blurred his smile. "I did?" He looked down at the restraints, then back at Herc—and there was the smile again, as though Raleigh knew perfectly well how enthralling it was. "I don't remember that. But you're here now, so it doesn't matter, right? I'll be good for you."

"Raleigh," Herc said, and winced at the rawness of his voice. "Raleigh, you need to get better. Whatever you're trying here… it's not going to help you get better."

"Herc." Herc had never heard Raleigh sound so plaintive. "You'll help me, won't you? I need you to help me."

God help him, why was he even thinking about it? "No, Raleigh." It didn't come out as firm as he'd like, so he repeated it: "No."

"But I'll be good. I promise. I mean it." Raleigh's gaze was guileless, his brows quirked together pleadingly. "Just… please. Please. I need you, Herc."

He was an idiot, there was no question. "You try anything, Raleigh, and I'm having you sedated again. You understand?"

Raleigh's smile was so bright it nearly burned. "I understand, Herc." He was quiet while Herc undid the restraints, watched the motions of Herc's fingers intently. When the final restraint was removed, he reached to gently touch Herc's arm as Herc settled in the bedside chair again. "Thank you."

"You're wel—"

Herc had no idea how it happened. One moment, Raleigh had been smiling at him from the bed—the next he had straddled Herc's lap and his tongue was in Herc's mouth as his hands roamed the planes of Herc's chest. When Herc made a noise of protest and tried to push him off, Raleigh objected with a groan and his arms locked around Herc's neck as he delved feverishly into the kiss. Further efforts to lever him off met with the same level of resistance, until Herc resigned himself to riding it out.

It seemed an eternity before Raleigh broke the kiss to mouth across Herc's jaw and nip at his earlobe. "Why won't you touch me?" he breathed into Herc's ear as he shifted in Herc's lap to bring their chests together. "Don't you like me?"

Herc closed his eyes, inhaled sharply through his nose. "I do like you, Raleigh. Very much."

"Then why won't you touch me?"

Herc tried again to push Raleigh away with his hands braced against Raleigh's sides, but Raleigh simply arched into the embrace. "This isn't you, Raleigh."

"Of course it's me. Who else would it be?" Raleigh placed a delicate kiss at the corner of Herc's mouth, nuzzled his throat. "Please, Herc… It has to be you."

Herc frowned as his hands slid of their own accord from Raleigh's ribs down to his hips. "What has to be me?"

"You make it stop." Raleigh pulled back just enough to meet Herc's eyes, his own clouded with unreasoning arousal. "Only you. It has to be you."

Herc dropped his head back with a groan, and Raleigh seized the opportunity to nibble the column of his throat, relinquished his hold around Herc's neck to work blindly at the fastenings of his uniform. "Raleigh, I can't do this. It's not right." Even to his own ears, the protest sounded weak.

"Nothing's more right," Raleigh murmured against Herc's skin, then made a sound of delight when he mastered the closure of Herc's jacket and slid his hands inside to splay over Herc's chest with only a thin undershirt between them. "Please, Herc," he said again, and Herc felt something crack in his chest, giving so abruptly it hurt.

"Goddammit," he growled, then again, because once just didn't suffice: "Goddammit." He lifted his hands to cradle Raleigh's face, tilted it up for Herc to crush their mouths together. He was definitely going to Hell, but the sounds Raleigh made as they kissed were a sweet drug that left him high, reeling, and wanting more. He could regret it later—right now...

Raleigh tore his mouth away when Herc grabbed his ass, settled them more firmly together. "Herc," he gasped, even as he rocked against Herc, and Herc cursed the layers of uniform still between them. Raleigh whined, high and tight, when Herc's hands found their way under the gown and slid up his back to anchor at his shoulder blades, held him still as Herc's teeth found the meat of his shoulder.

It was like trying to hold a live wire.

Raleigh groaned his complaint when Herc shoved him back, but Herc had no intention of unseating him this time. Instead, he took advantage of the slight space between them to finish undoing his uniform jacket, shrugged it off and dropped it, then skived out of the undershirt. It joined the jacket somewhere on the floor, but Herc didn't pay it any mind, not when Raleigh's face had lit up like Herc had given him ice cream made of rainbows and ponies.

He'd known it before, but seeing Raleigh fully exposed, brought it home: Raleigh was beautiful.

For a long moment, he could only take in the sight and Raleigh sat surprisingly quietly and let him. When looking was no longer enough, Herc lifted a hand to trace a finger down Raleigh's abdomen, followed the contours of his well-defined musculature. At the touch, Raleigh shivered and goosepimples rose on his flesh. Herc lifted his eyes to meet Raleigh's gaze again, found it heavy-lidded and heated, pupils blown.

Beautiful.

Herc flattened his hand against Raleigh's belly, rubbed firmly as his mouth found Raleigh's again. If he was going to Hell, he was going to make the most of his damnation, and so he set about cataloging Raleigh's reactions: a groan when he sucked on Raleigh's tongue, a full-body shudder when his thumb dipped into Raleigh's navel, frantic scrabbling at his shoulders when he nibbled on Raleigh's kiss-swollen lips. He sank one hand into Raleigh's hair, held him steady as he nipped down Raleigh's throat and laved the sharp lines of his collarbones.

It took a moment for him to register that Raleigh was saying his name. He lifted his head to meet Raleigh's eyes. His fingers absently massaged Raleigh's scalp, and Raleigh tilted his head into the touch. "Raleigh?"

"I need to feel you," Raleigh said as his fingers hooked under the waistband of Herc's pants. "Please." He tugged uselessly, whined softly when Herc caught his wrists and pulled them away. " _Please_."

"OK, Raleigh. OK." Herc released Raleigh to thumb open the tab of his pants and sucked in a breath as he lowered the zipper. "I need you to move, Raleigh. Can you do that for me?"

Raleigh's tongue flicked out to wet his lips as he watched as Herc's standard issue briefs were revealed. It wasn't until Herc repeated his question that Raleigh looked up at him. "No." He shook his head emphatically, then leaned forward to nuzzle into Herc's neck. "I don't want to."

Herc sighed. He took hold of Raleigh's hips and shifted his weight despite Raleigh's wordless protests. It was enough, with a fair amount of squirming, to allow Herc to get his pants and briefs down over his hips until they banded across his thighs. The chilled air of the room against his heated flesh left him sucking in another breath, which was hastily exhaled when Raleigh's fingers closed around his freed erection.

"I like this," Raleigh murmured, and Herc couldn't help the sharp laugh that drew out of him; he felt like an award at a fair, or maybe a prize stud. When Raleigh's hand measured him, carefully curled each finger and stroked over the head and off, Herc dropped his forehead against Raleigh's shoulder, helpless to move for a long moment but for the shivers that raced under his skin. Raleigh's resulting laugh was delighted, delightful, and despite himself Herc's lips curved with a grin.

"Raleigh," he began, only to be cut off when Raleigh's hand returned, grip firm around Herc's swollen shaft as he pumped his fist. Herc's hips strained to lift as he cursed, and his hands found the firm curves of Raleigh's ass and dragged him closer again. "Not like that," he managed as he pulled Raleigh's hand away. He kissed the complaint from Raleigh's lips as he pressed their cocks together, fingers stretched to contain as much of the girths as they could.

Raleigh's flesh burned like a brand against his, the press and slide as Herc fisted their cocks and Raleigh rocked his hips nearly undoing him. Herc lost himself in it: the slide of Raleigh's mouth against his, uncoordinated and sloppy now; Raleigh's hands on his chest, fingers toying with Herc's nipples until they throbbed with every contact; the pulse of his cock against Herc's as they slid within Herc's grip, uneven and perfect.

"Herc," Raleigh murmured against his lips, then slid his own across Herc's cheek to his ear. "I need to feel you in me. _Please_ —I need…" He lifted his hips again, rocked into Herc's stroking hand. "I need you to—"

Herc's forehead found Raleigh's shoulder again as he struggled to contain his groan. "Raleigh—Raleigh, I don't have anything."

"Improvise." Raleigh ground his hips against Herc's, bit his lip as he closed his hand around Herc's and quickened the pace. He was making noises again—small, hitching sounds that Herc knew would haunt his dreams.

"Goddammit, Raleigh." Herc inhaled, exhaled, then took Raleigh by the hips and shoved him from his lap. He braced Raleigh until he found his feet, and rose a moment later to take Raleigh's mouth again, devoured it until Raleigh's objection was overridden, forgotten. Herc's pants between them was a torture, the elastic of his briefs tight just beneath his balls, but removing them was too much effort when Raleigh cradled Herc's head between his hands and angled him just so to deepen their kiss perfectly.

It was entirely too tempting to lose himself in Raleigh's kiss forever, but they had another goal, evidenced by the short, abortive thrusts Raleigh was making against him. _Improvise_ , Raleigh had said, and Herc floundered, but he'd never accomplished anything by shying away from a challenge, and he wasn't about to start now.

It seemed an eternity later that Herc pulled his mouth from Raleigh's. With his hands once more on Raleigh's hips, Herc lifted and turned him; Raleigh flailed until he caught the hospital bed for balance, and the look he gave Herc over his shoulder was lost. Herc wasted no time, slid his arms around Raleigh's waist, kissed the back of shoulder, then behind his ear, nuzzled delicately through his hair. "Do you trust me, Raleigh?"

"I do." Raleigh shifted within the circle of Herc's arms as though to turn, stopped only when Herc's hand slid to close on his cock. He whimpered, then, a broken, needy sound that cut straight through Herc. "I do trust you."

"Good." He pressed another kiss behind Raleigh's ear as both hands roamed Raleigh's skin, tickled and tugged at Raleigh's balls, dragged over his taint. Only when Raleigh's breath began to catch did Herc grasp Raleigh's cock with both hands and stroke. "Come on, Raleigh," he growled in his ear as both hands worked in tandem to drag Raleigh inevitably toward orgasm.

The only warning Herc had was a small sound, almost lost, low in Raleigh's throat before Raleigh arched—he nearly knocked the back of his head into Herc's nose as he came over Herc's fingers. Herc scrambled to catch as much of it as he could, stroked Raleigh through the spasms until Raleigh sagged against him. For a moment Herc thought that was it, that he could walk away with a sliver of their dignity intact, but then Raleigh looked him over his shoulder and smiled that same molasses-slow, sweet smile at him, and Herc realized that there was no escaping inevitability.

"I trust you, Herc."

Herc's head found Raleigh's shoulder again; it was no fair, how easily Raleigh undid him. "Goddammit, Raleigh," he said again, but it was too late: his course was committed, and all he could do was continue until the end was reached. He stroked his wet hand over his own cock, then pressed two fingers between Raleigh's cheeks to pierce the pucker there, pumped them when Raleigh offered no resistance. It wasn't the best option, but it would suffice for the moment, enough to provide just enough slick as he withdrew his fingers, positioned himself against Raleigh's hole and pushed.

Raleigh _keened_ —there was no other word for it—and arched again, drove himself further onto Herc's cock and writhed. Herc wrapped both arms around him again, dragged their bodies together as he thrust with a mindless, punishing rhythm. Pleasure spiked at the base of his spine, shot through his balls, and it was too much, too soon—

His own shout of completion was muffled against the back of Raleigh's neck as he came, his arms around Raleigh's chest and hands curled over his shoulders to hold him immobile as he rode out the most intense orgasm he'd ever had. As the tremors passed, he gradually became aware that he was the only thing holding Raleigh up; Raleigh slumped in his arms, eyes closed and breathing even.

"Shit." Herc sighed as he slid from Raleigh's body, careful to support him when Raleigh sagged. Raleigh's head lolled as he drooped, a dead weight against him, and Herc manhandled him into the narrow hospital bed, smoothed Raleigh's hair back once he was settled. His retrieved undershirt was a serviceable towel to wipe fluids that Herc didn't want to dwell upon from Raleigh's skin. He covered Raleigh once again with the blanket, tucked it gently around him.

It was as though nothing had happened; the only sign they'd shared anything was a faint hickey Herc didn't remember leaving low on Raleigh's throat.

The guilt, though… Herc thought that would stay with him for the rest of his life.

He dressed quickly, too ashamed to look at Raleigh again, and retrieved his gear. There was something comforting in the routine of strapping everything back in place, a layer separating him from the world, and he tried to sink into it, to resurrect the mental armor that Raleigh had blown to shreds.

He should stay, but each glimpse of Raleigh made his guts roil, left him light-headed and nauseated. He had… he had taken advantage of Raleigh when he knew that Raleigh was out of his senses. He should have resisted harder, fought more—instead he'd collapsed like a wet cake and pissed on his morals.

He was a terrible human being, and Raleigh deserved better. The next time he woke, someone better would be there for him—Herc would make sure of that. In time, Raleigh might even forgive him… though he'd never forgive himself.

Despite every ounce of hatred he held for himself, he wasn't able to leave without one last touch to push Raleigh's hair back. "Sorry," he murmured and bent to brush his lips over Raleigh's forehead before he escaped.

Stacker was going to _kill_ him, if Herc didn't beat him to it.

* * *

* * *

The first thing Raleigh was aware of was that his head hurt; even with his eyes closed, it throbbed. He stifled a groan and lifted a hand to press at his temple, wondered what party he'd been at to have such a wretched hangover. Hell, he didn't think they even had booze in the colony, much less enough for a party.

"Raleigh!" Was that Mako? "You're awake!"

Why did she sound so relieved?

Raleigh forced his eyes open and squinted blearily at the ceiling for a long moment before he could drag his eyes to meet Mako's. The familiar brown was swimming with tears and, although she smiled, it was weak, watery. "You OK?" he asked, surprised when the words came out as a slur of meaningless syllables.

Mako must've caught the bewilder,emt in his eyes, as she caught his hand between both of hers. "How do you feel? You had us worried."

Raleigh frowned and took a good look around for the first time. It wasn't a room he recognized, but judging by the proliferance of white and the steady beep of equipment, it was in a medical one. The sight of Sasha, part of Herc's security team, over Mako's shoulder was equally baffling, especially the way that she was fingering the stunner at her belt. "What happened?" he asked, though it came out more as _whaappn_. Licking his lips, he tried again, with no more success.

"You had an accident, Raleigh." Mako, bless her, released his hand to retrieve a glass from the bedside table, slid a straw between Raleigh's lips. He closed his eyes when the first water hit his tongue and sucked at it until Mako pulled the straw away. "Do you remember anything?"

Raleigh considered—no mean feat with the continued throbbing in his head. "I remember the mountains," he said, relieved when it came out scratchy, but mostly recognizable. "And… flowers? I hurt myself, falling." He glanced around again and realized abruptly that medical and Sasha—and Mako, for that matter—meant he wasn't in the field any more. "How did I get here?"

"The scouts brought you back. You… Something was wrong, so they brought you here." Mako glanced away, thinned her lips for a moment before she met his eyes again. "Captain Pentecost can tell you more."

"Mm." There was so much more that he wanted to say, to ask, but exhaustion draped over him like a particularly heavy blanket, dragged his eyes closed again. _Stay_ , he tried to say, but it was too late, as he spiraled again into unconsciousness.

* * *

Mako wasn't there the next time he woke. In her place sat Captain Pentecost, all crisp lines and flawless presence as he read something on a tablet. Raleigh must have made some sound, because the captain looked up, then set his tablet aside.

"Chief Becket," he said. He picked up the glass on the side table and placed the straw against Raleigh's mouth, and if it was a little humiliating to have the captain, of all people, waiting on his invalid self, it was more than made up for by the sweet, welcome wetness. The captain let Raleigh drink his fill, set the glass aside when Raleigh turned his head. "It's good to see you back amongst the living."

"Am I?" Raleigh lifted a hand to push at his hair, startled when he noticed the bruises bracketing his wrist. "What happened?"

The captain settled back and folded his hands over his belly as he regarded Raleigh through narrowed eyes. "I was hoping you could tell me that."

"I don't…" Raleigh frowned as he tried to sort out glimpses of memory that slid through his grasp like grains of sand. "My head hurts. I remember falling—did I hit my head?"

"You attacked your squad, Chief Becket. They were forced to restrain you to bring you back here. You don't remember any of that?"

Raleigh's eyes widened and dread sank into his stomach. "I what?" He struggled to push himself upright, but his shaky arms failed him until the captain retrieved the bed controls and raised the head. "I'd never—"

"You attacked the doctors when you were brought here. You don't remember that, either?"

"No." Raleigh closed his eyes, rubbed a hand across them as though it would clear his head. "I just remember falling. And flowers. They smelled so sweet, like caramel." He blinked, turned to find the captain's eyes again. "Was that… was I poisoned?"

The captain's stare was unnerving; his dark eyes gave nothing away. It seemed years before he spoke. "That's what we believe. Given the unfortunate inability to collect samples, however, we are unable to confirm that." The captain frowned and leaned forward slightly. "I'm putting you on leave. Medical will reevaluate your condition after one week, and, if they feel it's appropriate, you may return to duty. I expect you to take the opportunity to recuperate, Chief Becket—I don't want to hear about any more trouble, understand?"

Raleigh nodded. "I understand." He rubbed his forehead again. "I don't think I have trouble in me." He tried a faint grin, surprised when the captain's face softened in response.

"Glad to hear it." The captain rose and patted Raleigh's blanketed foot. "I look forward to your return."

"Captain," Raleigh said and watched as the captain left. Without him, the room was too quiet, too still, and he had too much opportunity to think. Had he really done those things the captain said? He tried to imagine himself attacking, well, _anyone_ , but it just didn't fit; he'd scrapped in his younger years, but he'd outgrown that when he left the bullies of school behind. He'd gotten the distinct impression that there was something the captain wasn't telling him, too, and it gnawed at him as he wondered what it could have been.

He was too keyed up to sleep and so continued to fret until the doctor arrived to check on him some time later. It was Dr. Lightcap, he was relieved to see—Dr. Schoenfeld had always been a bit of a dick—but she looked at him with something approaching suspicion. Even as she checked his vitals, she held herself ready, as though prepared to leap away at any moment.

The captain had said he'd attacked the doctors. Had he…?

"I'm sorry," he said, the words out of his mouth before he could consider them. "I'm sorry if I hurt you."

Dr. Lightcap glanced up at him—her watchful expression softened into a faint smile. "Thank you, Chief Becket, but that's unnecessary; you weren't yourself, I know that." She patted his knee. "The captain has faith in you; I trust in his judgment."

"Still, I'm sorry."

"Enough of that." She lifted his eyelids to flash a light into his eyes. "I'd like to keep you overnight for observation, make sure you don't relapse. After that, you're free to go. If you start to feel at all strange, though, I want you back here; we don't need to take any chances."

* * *

Raleigh was released late the next morning, with strict orders to take it easy. In truth, he was surprised Dr. Schoenfeld hadn't just booted him out the door, but he was glad enough to be out of medical that he didn't mind the bad attitude.

The first thing he did was hunt down Duc. His second-in-command had been excited to see him and called the rest of the scouts in to see Raleigh for themselves. He'd seen the hesitation on their faces at first and it had wounded him, but they relaxed as they talked, and soon enough they were slapping Raleigh on the back, wishing him well in his recovery. 

His second task was tracking down the soldiers that had accompanied them on that eventful mission. Raleigh winced at Zeke's black eye, but the man didn't want his apologies, said that if that was the worst he got on his tour, he'd be a happy man. They parted on good terms, too, with easy grins and friendly waves, much to Raleigh's relief; he'd expected grudges and hurt feelings, at the very least. He'd underestimated everyone.

Apologies out of the way, he was at a loss. He'd always had something to do, some small task to keep him busy, but the captain had expressly forbidden anything that even remotely resembled work. He rattled around the colony, poked his nose into the science ward and drove Dr. Geiszler crazy with questions until he got kicked out, watched as the engineers worked on their water lines, even found a bit of counter space to perch on in the mess and watch as the cooks went about preparing the noon meal.

He felt a bit awkward about joining everyone eating in the mess, and so he took a tray and escaped out the back. He stopped in his barracks long enough to retrieve his tablet, then left the colony and climbed the hill on which he and Mako had eaten their dinner only a few days before. He flicked the tablet on and scrolled through the list of books—Yancy had made sure to load it before Raleigh had left, although he hadn't had many opportunities to read since the flight—and settled on a collection of poetry that he'd grown up with. It had been the first book he'd read to tatters. He ate absently as he read, eventually set the tray aside and flopped onto his back. It wasn't long before the tablet joined the tray, and he closed his eyes and basked in the sunlight.

He must have dozed off, because when he opened his eyes next, dusk was creeping over the horizon. He collected his things and made his way back into the colony. The evening meal was being served, but he returned the tray and slipped out of the mess, and headed to the engineering barracks. Mako wasn't there, but one of her engineers pointed Raleigh to the captain's quarters.

He'd never been to the captain's quarters before, and he hesitated a moment before he hit the door chime. To his relief, Mako answered the door. Her face lit up when she saw him.

"Raleigh!" She threw her arms around his neck and Raleigh was helpless to do anything but return the hug, arms tight around her waist. They were both unwilling to break the embrace, but Mako eventually pulled back and smiled up at him. "I didn't know they'd released you already."

"This morning." Raleigh glanced past her to the two men settled at the table. The captain nodded at him, but the other didn't so much as turn, focused on the plate before him. He'd recognize the line of those shoulders anywhere, though, and wondered why Herc would ignore him so completely. "Sorry, I didn't mean to intrude."

"Nonsense." She looked over her shoulder, then back at Raleigh, before she caught his arm and pulled him from the door, led him back outside. "We were just finishing. Why didn't you come see me sooner?"

Raleigh had the grace to flush slightly and rubbed the back of his neck. "Sorry," he said again. "I knew you'd be working... and then I fell asleep." He grinned when Mako laughed. "Forgive me?"

"You don't have to ask, Raleigh." She smiled up at him, and Raleigh wondered how he'd gotten so lucky. "Do you want to take a walk?"

In answer, Raleigh offered her an arm. She linked hers with it, and they ambled through the colony. Sometimes they talked, sometimes they didn't, and, by the time they parted ways at the engineering barracks, Raleigh felt recharged, more like himself.

He'd intended to find his own bed, but his feet led him back to the captain's quarters. He lingered outside, but, with Mako turned in for the night, couldn't find a justifiable reason to intrude. He was turning to go when the door slid open and Herc stepped out.

"Herc!" Raleigh said, then closed the distance between them. There was so much he wanted to say, to ask, but in the end, all he could manage was, "Hello."

"Raleigh." Herc wouldn't meet his eyes, angled himself away from Raleigh. "It's late."

"Oh." Raleigh frowned. "I'm sorry. It's been a while, I just—"

"I should go." Herc nodded and then, still without looking at him, strode off in the direction of the security barracks.

"Herc, wait!" Raleigh hurried to catch up, tried to try to peer into Herc's face only, but was denied as Herc turned away. Something was off—but he'd never forgive himself if he didn't say _something_. "Do you like to swim?"

Herc stopped so abruptly that Raleigh found himself suddenly two paces ahead of him, and turned back. Herc met Raleigh's eyes at last, but there was a blankness in his gaze, a distance that unsettled Raleigh more than he cared to admit. "We shouldn't speak any more, Becket. I'm very busy, and you have your own duties to attend to."

Raleigh recoiled as though he'd been slapped. "I… what?" His throat tightened and he swallowed thickly. "But—"

"Goodnight, Becket."

Raleigh couldn't move as Herc brushed past him. His chest ached, and only a supreme effort of will kept his suddenly-wobbly knees from giving out on him. He'd thought—Hell, he didn't know what he'd thought. That they'd been friends. That he'd mattered. To be dismissed so completely… Raleigh's nose burned and he sniffled stubbornly, refused to admit to the prickling in his eyes.

Goddammit, he could do this. If Herc wanted nothing to do with him, fine—he could move on, and if his chest still ached when he woke the next morning, well, no one needed to know.

* * *

He slept poorly, dreamed over and over of Herc turning away from him. Morning brought no relief; every thought seemed to circle back to that devastating conversation. He couldn't bear the thought of bumping into Herc, seeing that distant gaze again, and so he skipped breakfast and rolled himself back in his blankets to lose himself again in poetry.

He was not too proud to admit it: he was hiding. 

Noon came and went, and still Raleigh hid. The barracks were empty, but the quiet wasn't a comfort. It was a struggle to focus even on the words he'd known since he was a child when every one made him wonder what he'd done wrong.

It was still early afternoon when footsteps echoed in the barracks. Raleigh stayed hidden behind his tablet in the hopes that pretending to be invisible would make it so, but without success: a finger pressed the top of his tablet, pushed it down until Raleigh could see Mako's concerned face over it.

"What's wrong, Raleigh?"

Raleigh swallowed and lowered the tablet to his chest. "Why would anything be wrong? I just felt like reading."

Mako's lips thinned, but she didn't argue. Instead, she settled next to him on the bed with her hip against his, her thigh propped against his side. "What are you reading?"

"Poetry. Rumi." He looked down at the tablet, then grinned ruefully at her. "Most people are surprised I know poems that aren't limericks."

Mako gave him a flat stare that clearly stated her opinion of _most people_. "Let go of your worries and be completely clear-hearted," she said, and it took Raleigh a moment to realize that she was reciting, "like the face of a mirror that contains no images." She touched Raleigh's hand. "You know I'll listen, if you want to talk."

Raleigh sighed, then closed his eyes as he recalled the poem he'd been going back to all day. "I'm drenched in the flood which has yet to come. I'm tied up in the prison which has yet to exist. Not having played the game of chess, I'm already the checkmate. Not having tasted a single cup of your wine, I'm already drunk. Not having entered the battlefield, I'm already wounded and slain. I no longer know the difference between image and reality. Like the shadow, I am and I am not." Silence reigned once he'd finished, and he opened his eyes again to find Mako watching him with a thoughtful twist to her lips.

"This is about Herc, isn't it?"

Raleigh felt his cheeks burn, confirmation as sure as any admission. "He doesn't want anything to do with me."

"Oh, Raleigh." Mako's fingers curled around his. "That doesn't make any sense. He stayed with you while you were in medical. He's the one who told me to visit you, too. Are you sure?"

Raleigh laughed shortly and tightened his grip on Mako's hand. "He was pretty clear about it."

Mako shook her head. "That doesn't make sense," she said again. "You need to talk to him, find out what's going on."

Raleigh sighed and pulled Mako's hand to his lips, brushing them over her knuckles. "Why couldn't I have fallen for you?"

Mako smiled and squeezed Raleigh's hand. "Who would you go to for advice, then?" She leaned over to press a kiss against his forehead, then slid her hand from Raleigh's and rose. "Think about what I said, Raleigh. Talk to him." She waited until Raleigh nodded, then patted his thigh and left the barracks, left Raleigh with his thoughts chasing in circles.

She was right: he did need to speak with Herc, if only for his own peace of mind. Sooner better than later, too. Resolved, he pushed himself out of bed and dressed quickly as he girded his loins for what he hoped wouldn't be as awkward a conversation as he feared.

* * *

Raleigh found Herc in the security office; though it was normally off-limits, he'd happened to arrive when Sasha was leaving, and she'd taken one look at his face and swiped the door open again. He'd smiled his thanks as he'd slid past her, relieved to see Herc's back across the room as he faced a series of monitors, the office otherwise empty.

"Forget something, Kaidonovsky?" Herc swiveled his chair away from the monitors. His faint smile fell away when he spotted Raleigh. "Becket, I thought I'd made myself clear; you shouldn't have anything to do with me. Why are you here?"

"You used to call me Raleigh." He hovered a moment at the door, then inhaled deeply and strode across the small room until he stood before Herc. "Why did that change? I think I deserve an explanation."

Herc sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "People change," he explained slowly, as though measuring each word. "We're neither of us who we were on the _Onibaba_. It's time to stop clinging to what happened on the cruise and move on, make some real friends."

Raleigh blinked, then felt his face flush as anger washed over him; he leaned over Herc and braced himself on the arms of Herc's chair, effectively trapping him as he ground out, "Real friends? I thought _you_ were a real friend. Hell, I told you things even _Mako_ doesn't know. And now you're telling me that was a lie? That we only spent time together because, what, you were _bored_?" He bent until his nose was nearly touching Herc's and narrowed his eyes. "I don't believe you. I think you're afraid of me, but I don't know why." As quickly as it had come, his temper flagged and left him drooping and biting his lip. "I don't know _why_."

Herc's lips thinned. "It's not you I'm afraid of," he muttered, and looked away when Raleigh snapped his head up to meet Herc's eyes. "You shouldn't want anything to do with me. I'm not who you think I am."

"So let me know you." Raleigh straightened and folded his hands in front of himself, ducked his head. "I want to know you."

"You want to know me, Becket?" Raleigh stepped back as Herc levered himself from the chair and crowded into Raleigh's space, bright eyes narrowed and sharp. "You want to know about how I sat at your hospital bedside and watched you sleep? You want to know about how I know how you like to be kissed?" Herc grabbed Raleigh's wrist and stymied Raleigh's further retreat. "You want to know about how I fucked you while you were out of your goddamned mind and I _loved it_?"

Raleigh recoiled as though he'd been struck. "When— Was this while I was in the hospital? I thought I just— I didn't attack you?"

Herc laughed, though there was nothing of amusement in the sound. "No, Becket. No, you didn't attack me. You were too busy trying to get your hand down my pants." He sighed and looked away, lips tight. "It wasn't your fault; I'm not saying I blame you. I should've known better, should've... Well. I should've done a lot of things—not done a lot of others."

"So you made up your mind that I'm better off without you." Raleigh twisted his wrist to break Herc's hold, only to fist his hand in the front of Herc's uniform jacket. "What gives you the right to make that decision for me? You think I can't think for myself, decide for myself whether I want to keep you in my life?" He leaned forward, so close he could feel Herc's breath fanning against his lips. "What if I don't want to let you go?"

"Raleigh," Herc began, only to fall silent again when Raleigh shook his head.

"I don't want to hear about how I shouldn't have anything to do with a guy like you." Raleigh's hand clenched tighter in Herc's uniform jacket, shook him slightly. He released his grip a moment later to curl his hand at the back of Herc's neck, dragging at him until Herc gave up resisting and let himself be tugged to rest his forehead against Raleigh's. "I might not understand yet, but I don't think 'a guy like you' would do anything so terrible that I couldn't forgive it. Don't I deserve the chance to understand?"

"I—"

"The only answer here is _yes_ , Herc." Raleigh tilted his head to brush his nose against Herc's, smiled faintly for the first time since he'd entered the office. "That's all I'll accept."

Herc didn't return the smile, but his expression softened, the tight lines relaxed. "OK, Raleigh. You win."

"I like winning," Raleigh said. His hand slid from Herc's nape to cup his cheek, savored the prickle of Herc's short beard against his palm. "Herc, I... It might not have been how I wanted it to happen, but I'm not sorry it did. I just wish that I could remember how it felt, how you kissed me." He tilted his head, raised his free hand to cup Herc's other cheek. "Could I find out? Is there a chance?"

Herc closed his eyes. "This is a terrible time, Raleigh," he said weakly, even as his arms slid around Raleigh's waist.

Raleigh hummed and ran his fingers over Herc's beard. "You're right. Are you free tomorrow?"

"I can be."

Raleigh brushed his fingers over Herc's lids, smiled when they startled open. "Meet me in the morning." When Herc nodded, Raleigh skimmed a finger over Herc's lips, smiled again when they opened as well. "Outside the mess, at dawn. I'll show you something good."

He made his escape before he gave into the urge to touch with more than his fingers, though he couldn't resist sliding his hands over Herc's shoulders and down his arms to squeeze his hands. He lingered for a moment, then stepped away, backed away from Herc until he had to turn to palm the door open. He glanced over his shoulder one last time to find Herc exactly where he'd left him, and then the door was closing behind him and Raleigh was blinking in the bright sunlight.

He couldn't help the grin that broke over his face as he went in search of Mako; she'd be able to convince him that it wasn't just a dream, and tomorrow... tomorrow would be what it would be.

He couldn't wait.

* * *

"You want me to what?"

Raleigh chuckled at Herc's skeptical expression. "I want you to come swimming with me. I'll bet you haven't done anything fun since we touched down; it'll do you good." He paused, then narrowed his eyes. "You do know how to swim, don't you?"

Herc sighed. "I know how to swim, Raleigh," he said slowly, "but I don't have cossies with me."

Raleigh waved a hand dismissively, even as he turned to head out of the colony. "I didn't exactly pack trunks, either, but it's OK—no one'll see."

Herc shook his head, but followed Raleigh regardless. "How long have you been doing this?"

"A while." Raleigh grinned to cover the vague answer, then lowered his voice. "Why? You going to arrest me, officer?"

Herc's frown was more thoughtful than quelling. "No orders against it, but you should be more careful. It may not be safe."

Raleigh shrugged. "Nothing's eaten me yet, and my skin hasn't dissolved, so I think it's OK. Mako survived, too, so it's not like I'm the only one immune."

"Mako went out with you? Does Stacker know?"

It took Raleigh a moment to realize that Herc meant the captain, and he flushed. "I don't know. I think he knows I've done it, but I don't know if she told him that she did, too." He rubbed a hand absently against his thigh and quickened his pace as they passed the last prefab at the colony's boundary. "She liked it—we had fun. I hope you and I can have fun, too."

If Herc took that as poorly as Raleigh suspected it sounded he didn't say a word. They walked the rest of the way to the lake in silence, broken only when Raleigh stopped near the water's edge and stripped off his shirt.

"Come on, Herc. I promise nothing'll bite."

Herc looked as though he was fighting another sigh, but he still bent to unlace his boots, and Raleigh took the victory as he could. He turned his attention to his own boots, and when he looked up again, Herc was shrugging out of his shirt—he looked so different out of his uniform, more human, somehow—and rolling his shoulders. Raleigh knew he was staring, but he was still helpless to look away; Herc might have over a decade on him, but he was still a damned fine specimen with a body men half his age would kill for.

"Something on me?"

Raleigh blinked and averted his eyes as he felt another blush burn across his cheeks. "No, you're fine." _Damned fine_. He hastily freed himself from the rest of his clothes and dove into the cool water, stroking out several yards before he turned to regard Herc. "You coming?"

"Hold your horses." Herc dropped his belt and worked open the fly of his pants, shucked them onto the pile of his other clothes. Nude, he moved to stand at the edge of the water and rested his hands at his hips as he regarded Raleigh. "I'm going to blame you if we die horribly."

Raleigh swallowed as he fought to keep his eyes on Herc's, rather than admire the promise of his uncut cock; even soft, Herc was impressive. "No sharks, no jellyfish, no Nessie—I swear." He pushed himself back a few more feet until he had to tread water. "Look, nothing. Just you and me."

Herc's eyes narrowed, but he waded into the water. A full body shiver racked him before he visibly steeled himself and followed Raleigh's lead to dive into the lake. He surfaced again just far enough away from Raleigh to avoid his paddling feet and shook the water from his face. "You and me, huh? That's still enough for trouble."

He should have seen it coming, but it was still a surprise when Herc dunked him; Raleigh spluttered as he popped up again. "Water up my _nose_ , you dick." He lunged at Herc, missed when Herc slid smoothly out of his way, then went for dirty and dove to drag Herc down by his feet.

War had been declared.

It was no more than he'd done with Mako, but it was nothing like what they'd shared. He was intensely aware of the feel of Herc's hands when they pressed against his shoulders, the flex of Herc's back as he fled Raleigh's onslaught, the way the water sparkled in the short length of Herc's hair before he shook his head to flick the droplets away. He wanted to taste the rivulets of water that ran down Herc's throat. He wanted to grab Herc's leg and wrap it around his hips, to grind against him until not even water separated them. He wanted to close his hand on Herc's bobbing cock and watch him come apart, there in the cool, clear depths.

Something of his thoughts must've shown in Raleigh's expression, as Herc abruptly withdrew to tread water just outside Raleigh's reach. They regarded each other for a long moment in silence broken only by the lap of the water, until Herc frowned and angled toward shore. "This was fun, Raleigh, but—"

Raleigh never did learn what Herc meant to say; he surged through the water to grab Herc's shoulders and crushed their mouths together. As kisses went, it was awkward and stiff and terrible, and Raleigh could feel Herc's shoulders tense under his hands. Just as abruptly, he pushed himself away and swam for the shore, unable to face Herc's reaction.

"Raleigh," Herc said, then cursed. Raleigh could hear Herc splashing behind him but didn't dare turn around; he couldn't face judgment, not yet.

When Raleigh's feet hit bottom, he lurched upright—and stopped. Running was useless; the colony was much too small to hide from Herc for any length of time, and Yancy would be disappointed as Hell with him. He'd just begun to turn back when Herc caught him and closed his hand at Raleigh's biceps to pull him around.

Herc looked... not angry, which was a surprise; given his earlier stand-offishness, Raleigh had expected thunderclouds. Instead, his thoughtful expression left Raleigh unbalanced, uncertain which direction to turn.

"How long, Raleigh?"

Raleigh bit his lip. It would have been easy to play dumb, to deflect with questions on Herc's intent, but it would only delay the inevitable; Herc wasn't dumb but he _was_ stubborn, perhaps even more stubborn than Raleigh, and he'd eventually worm it out of him, whether Raleigh liked it or not. "I don't know—a long time. It's not like I woke up one morning and realized you were attractive; it crept up on me. And I—shit, it sounds so juvenile. I _like_ you. I like you as a person, as a man, and I really like the thought of kissing you." He frowned and turned his head away, looked down at the water lapping around his mid-thigh. "I understand you're not interested, but—"

"Who said I wasn't interested?" Herc released Raleigh's arm to cross his own over his chest. "You're damned irresistible, Raleigh. If I... I'm trying to respect your limits. You'd said you weren't interested in hook-ups. What do you think this would be?"

Raleigh thought back to that conversation: they'd been lounging in the nearly-empty common room of the _Onibaba_ when Raleigh revealed the number of pick-up lines he'd heard since they'd come aboard and confessed his hesitation to take anyone up on them. Herc had nodded and the conversation had gone elsewhere—forgotten, Raleigh had thought.

"I didn't know you remembered that."

Herc sighed. "I remember a lot more about you than you think." He uncrossed his arms and paced toward Raleigh, followed when Raleigh backpedaled until the water was no higher than his knees. "Even when I try to forget." He caught Raleigh's arm, tugged sharply to bring Raleigh against him. "No matter what I do, you worm your way into me."

As good as Herc had looked, he felt... well, he felt _damned_ good. Raleigh leaned tentatively into him, shuffled closer when Herc made no move to push him away. "Should I apologize? I'm not really sorry."

Herc's lips quirked with a faint smile that drove the breath from Raleigh's lungs, left him floundering for something to do that wasn't kissing Herc again. "I still think you're better off without me, you know."

"I'm not." Raleigh paused with his hand lifted, curved just above Herc's hip before he gathered the nerve to touch him. "Whatever happened... happened. I might not know, much less understand it, but I trust you."

"You shouldn't," Herc said, but Raleigh could see the surrender in his expression. "But if you're giving me another chance... maybe I should, too."

"Good." Raleigh stroked his thumb over Herc's hip. "I'm going to kiss you now." He leaned in as Herc nodded, grinned when his lips found Herc's nose, then corrected and pressed his lips to Herc's. It was awkward again, still stiff, if less terrible—and then Herc tilted his head and licked the seam of Raleigh's lips, and Raleigh opened his mouth and found out what Herc tasted like. He cupped the back of Herc's head in his free hand and fell into the kiss as one bled into two, into three, until Raleigh stopped counting.

The slide of their mouths was exquisite, but it still had nothing on the press of Herc's stiffening cock against Raleigh's. Raleigh couldn't stop himself from grinding against it; he wasn't sure if the groan that rose between them was Herc's or his own. His hand left Herc's hip to circle the base of that cock, slide along the shaft. He reveled in the feel of it lengthening in his grip, tickled under the head as it peeped from within Herc's foreskin just to feel the pulse of Herc's arousal, and smoothed his thumb through the fluid gathering at its tip. Herc's breaths puffed against Raleigh's cheek when their mouths broke apart, their heads tilted together as Raleigh explored and Herc held on.

"Squeeze," Herc ordered when Raleigh's fingers closed on his cock again, and Raleigh obliged, tightened his grip as Herc thrust against Raleigh's hand. The slide of Herc's stiff length through Raleigh's curled hand was a brand, so much so that Raleigh imagined he'd be able to feel it hours later, hard and hot and perfect. "Like that," Herc gasped as he thrust again, a hand still on Raleigh's shoulder for balance.

It was certainly appealing to watch Herc come undone, but it wasn't enough to let Herc set the pace; Raleigh wanted to be the one to wring Herc dry, an active participant in his debauchery. He shifted, slid to a side and wrapped his free arm around Herc's waist to hold him close as Raleigh changed his grip and began pumping his fist. His pace was nearly brutal, but he wasn't about to slow down, not when he could admire the flushed, fat head of Herc's cock as it appeared and disappeared with the motion of his hand, revel in the abortive, broken groans that rumbled from Herc's throat, lean into the off-center kiss that Herc pressed against his mouth. "C'mon, c'mon, c'mon—"

Raleigh wanted to believe that it was his name that Herc groaned as he came over Raleigh's hand and hip, but the rolling syllables were unintelligible, ground out through Herc's clenched teeth. He kissed the sounds from Herc's tight lips until they softened and parted, until Raleigh could slip his tongue between them to toy with Herc's. The kiss was lazy and sloppy, and Raleigh couldn't remember when he'd had a better one.

"You can let go now," Herc said mildly when their mouths finally parted, and only then did Raleigh realize that he was still grasping Herc's dick, softened and spent now. He hastily released it, then ducked to rinse his hand in the lake, watched intently as he swished it in the water.

"Sorry. I mean, OK— er, sorry. Should we go back now? We should probably go back now."

"Raleigh." Herc's voice was fond and exasperated and Raleigh wanted to roll around in it like a kitten in catnip. "Aren't you forgetting something?" Before Raleigh could ask what he meant, Herc reached across the small space between them to run a single finger down the length of Raleigh's cock. He chuckled, husky and warm, when Raleigh staggered, and wrapped an arm around Raleigh's shoulders to guide him to the shore. 'Some things shouldn't be left alone."

Raleigh didn't resist when Herc pressed on his shoulders and coaxed Raleigh to his knees, then his back; the grass tickled against his skin, but it didn't matter, not when Herc pushed Raleigh's legs apart and knelt between them. Herc's fingers brushed over one of Raleigh's knees, then slid under it to tug it over Herc's shoulder. Raleigh made a noise that, to his own ears, sounded like something that should have come from a blown horse, then flushed when Herc glanced up at him with a hint of a smirk playing over his lips.

"Relax, Raleigh," he murmured, then made it impossible for Raleigh to follow that particular order when he ducked to run his tongue over the head of Raleigh's full cock. Raleigh made another unholy horse noise, frowned when Herc chuckled, and stuffed the heel of his hand into his mouth when Herc's tongue quested lower, followed the veins pulsing in Raleigh's shaft, lapped over his balls. It was wonderful—and nowhere near enough.

"Don't take your time on my account," Raleigh said, proud when he managed it without his voice cracking. "I'm OK without a wait."

Herc shook his head but chuckled again. "Next time, then." He rubbed his short beard against Raleigh's inner thigh, but it was apparent that teasing was over a moment later when Herc closed his mouth around Raleigh's cock and sucked down its length. He pulled off when the tip nudged the back of his throat, coughed, and muttered, "Been a while," but Raleigh didn't have a chance to heckle him before Herc had gone down again, taking the full length this time without a struggle.

Raleigh's teeth pressed into his hand as he moaned. He shifted restlessly, thigh tense over Herc's shoulder as his hips jerked. He wanted to crawl into Herc, pour himself into him until there was no room for anyone else—at least for now, in this moment, he could pretend that it was Herc and him alone in the world, and that was all they needed.

The obscene, wet sounds Herc's mouth made as he slurped Raleigh's cock.

The lap of the water against the shore.

The scent of grass when Raleigh's fingers raked through the dirt, sought purchase, something to cling to as Herc undid him.

The chill of Herc's skin against his own overheated flesh, each touch the source of a shiver that raced through him, as perfect as the furnace-hot of Herc's mouth.

That was all that mattered.

Raleigh's orgasm came as a surprise; it surged through him, toe-curling, teeth-clenching, left him shouting as he felt as though every muscle in his body spasmed. He gasped, panted, strangled a groan, tried to still the frantic rock of his hips as Herc pulled off him. He couldn't contain another groan when Herc bent to lap one last time at the head of his cock, dainty as a cat, then he laughed weakly and squirmed away. "You killed me."

"I'm not sure that's a compliment, Raleigh." Herc shifted, bent to kiss him; Raleigh tasted himself as he licked into Herc's mouth, foreign and familiar. Herc pulled back after a moment to brush his nose over Raleigh's cheek. "I can't quit you."

"Good." Raleigh skimmed his fingers over Herc's bearded cheek, tilted his forehead to rest against Herc's. "Trust me, Herc. I'll take care of you."

Herc's chuckle was barely a puff of air against Raleigh's lips, but it was enough to lighten Raleigh's heart. It might take a while to piece together what had happened—hell, he might never manage it—but it didn't matter, not when Herc filled his dark places, left him feeling as though his chest might burst with contentment. The past was what it was, but the future... the future could be whatever they wanted it to be.

* * *

* * *

The shuttle touched down with a soft thump; its engines cut out a moment later, ticked noisily down. Herc crossed the landing pad as the door opened to reveal occupants blinking in the bright sunlight, stood to a side as exhausted men and women trailed past him. He returned their tired nods, though his attention was for— there. The sun lit in golden hair as Raleigh ducked from the shuttle, and Herc wasted no time in catching him, arms tight around his waist as Raleigh laughed and leaned in for a kiss.

Though they were growing increasingly familiar, there was always something new to discover in Raleigh's kisses, and Herc explored this one thoroughly before he let Raleigh go. "Let's get you some rest, Rals."

"No proper welcome home?"

Herc shook his head at Raleigh's wickedly-tilted grin. "Don't want you falling asleep in the middle of it, do we?" He tweaked Raleigh's nose, chuckled when Raleigh flinched away. "Rest first, then we'll wear you out again."

Raleigh considered, then bumped his shoulder against Herc's as they walked from the pad. "Deal."

Herc stopped him with a hand at his wrist, unable to resist stealing another soft kiss. "Deal," he echoed. As they headed for Raleigh's barracks, he found himself wondering again how he'd ever found this—found _him_. Every time he got to watch Raleigh as he slept, or laugh at Raleigh's terrible shower-singing, or watch pleasure spike in Raleigh's eyes when he pushed into Herc, it hit him anew: Raleigh was _happy_ , and Herc was part of that happiness. Raleigh wanted him, and Raleigh deserved the world.

It was a slow process, on-going and lengthy, but Herc was beginning to believe that maybe—just maybe—he deserved Raleigh, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got a bit handwavey with ages here, so if you're wondering why Raleigh's old enough to be chief scout and Mako's old enough to be in engineering while Chuck's still in school, it's because.
> 
> Shout-out to [joasakura](http://archiveofourown.org/users/joasakura) for requesting that Onibaba be included when I first pitched the idea to her.
> 
> Thanks as always to [sorrowfulcheese](http://archiveofourown.org/users/sorrowfulcheese) for the super beta. Any lingering errors are mine, naturally.


End file.
